No 'I' in team.

Working with other people in probably one of the most stressful things a person can make me do. I, like a lot of writers, like to work alone. Solo dolo style. Now don't get me wrong if and when situations occur that require me to share my ideas and credibility with one of more other people, I won't protest (too much) but I won't be too happy about it.

For me there are so many reasons why working with other people in a 'team' causes me major worries and issues. Reason number 1, some people are just plain lazy. That's it, its a home truth, there are certain people you come across in life be it in school or in the world of work that make you question why they are there (nowhere is this more true than in higher education). These types of people annoy me because they make what can already be quite a distressing situation, well a hell of a lot worse.

Working hard or hardly working should and is the motto of every group I have ever worked in. Meaning they are those who work their butts off to make whatever task we've been given a success... and then there the free loaders, the dead weights. They are the lead/rock to your balloon and the cause of most of your headaches.
 If working in a group has taught me anything over the years and especially recently, its that you should never EVER be made to work with your friends. You learn the pros and cons of having them on your team and spend most of your time trying to coax the pros out of them in the form of contribution. To no avail (in my case anyway). Honestly for me, its a real eye opener, its the kind of event that makes you go Hmm, this person is a slacker. Since when have I befriended slackers? Makes you wonder how you never saw their flake like nature.

Now of course I realise that there are other members of a team that can really be your saving grace. Often they are not your friend but they become a better friend than the actual friend you've been made to tolerate as a group member. This other party acts as the barrier, the line of communication even between you and your almost nearly ex-friend. The work eventually gets done, not so many feeling are hurt and in time you learn to get over the traumatising experience of working with a friend vowing never again.

Like I say, this is all good if that's the case. However, I wonder what happens when the experience is so revealing and upsetting that you find it difficult, verging on impossible to forgive and forget this 'friend'? What do you do when whatever stress inducing mess went down and the pure resentment that was born of it lingers once the group work has ceased?

In my case, I think I'm just crap at forgiving. It take me a long time to trust someone and only a second for me to withdraw that trust.

The lesson here for me (if you can find a better one then do so) is that while there might be no 'I' in team, there certainly is an 'I' in insanity and friendship. As in 'I' don't know if 'I' want to be a friend to a certain type of person who drives me insane and doesn't care because for me if I can't work with you in a group without wanting to walk away, then something is clearly missing. And I can have friends I don't trust as much as I can be one, not at all.

Be kind to one another,
Love The Girl In Blue
xoxo

Lets talk about depression.

Keeping in theme with the cheery posts recently, today I want to talk about depression.
There are many common perceptions when it comes to mental health issues. Here are just a few that I've heard get tossed around.

1. Everybody gets depressed. Its no big deal.
2. You're not depressed. You just need to chose to be happy. Suppress it.
3. Depression isn't a mental illness everyone has it at some point.

You might be thinking to yourself right now, yeah so what? Some of those points are pretty sound. To which I would say that anyone who uses one of these as a way of writing off someone struggling with depression, is either ignorant of what depression actually is or simply doesn't care. And I know which one I find to be worse.

So let me start by addressing these statements one by one.

1. The notion that since 'everybody' gets depressed its rendered something you just have to get on with, to me is a very British attitude and its awful. Honestly I don't think that everybody is unlucky enough to suffer from depression in their lives, all people do however, go through times when they feel down. I would hazard a guess that a lot of people have, more than anyone would actually think but still to assume that its so common that its normal is ridiculous. It is a big deal. It can be crushing and frustrating and never ending. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer that its no big deal, why treat a different kind of battle with any less respect?

2. This one is one I've heard a lot. Sometimes its been told to me disguised as advice. Well its not very good advice I've found because being depressed isn't choosing not to be happy, its not a choice at all. I bet if you speak to anyone who either suffers with bouts of depression (like myself) or anyone who has ever experienced it at one point or another, I would hope that they would tell you something similar to what I'm about to. If it was a choice between feeling happy and feeling the way depression makes you feel, it wouldn't even be a competition, I would chose to be happy 100%, if they were my only options that is.

3. This final statement is possibly the most ignorant of them all and the one that upsets me the most. Its once again the notion that because its common its normal and therefore not that serious. Depression is a mental illness. People suffer and struggle with it more than once in their lives. It becomes something you get given medication to try to control. It dulls down your entire being. You go from being 100% you, mood swings and all, to a totally different person. You become your depression. (I can't stress enough that this is just my experience with depression I do not speak for everyone with depression).

Growing up in the kind of society that many of us do (western, fast paced), its easy for us to get caught up with labels. If you could count all the labels you could ever possibly fit into, well you'd be wasting a lot of time. But there is a particular stigma that hangs over mental health. Looking back at the history of how England especially dealt with mentally ill people, it makes me shudder. I feel grateful that there are so many more resources for people who feel isolated by the rest of society to reach out to. Although I myself have never been brave enough to do so, for now just the knowledge that its there should I ever need it is enough.

I remember the first time I realised I was depressed and I told someone about it. It wasn't the huge relief I thought it would be to be honest. We were on holiday and I was quite deep in my own world. The very first words to come out of her mouth after watching tears roll down my face were. 'Oh thank god, I thought it was something serious'

So like I said, not the best reception. As someone who prides herself on being independent, forward thinking and open minded, I sat and listened to her list the many reasons SHE thought I was the way I was. Among many of them were some real golden ones.

• You're a creative mind aren't you, bound to happen. You're too much in your own head (way to stereotype)
• Its your generation. We just had to get on with it. (yes and look how mentally stable you are)
• You've always been like this, never thought anything of it before.

Truly I expected all of those words to come tumbling out of her mouth, that's why I think I'm still in doubt over whether or not I truly have it. This disease of the mind. What I found most troubling was that the person I confided in actually thought that this was yet another label I WANTED to add to my being. Like anyone wants to be depressed. I won't deny the utter relief I felt when I finally got the help I so needed but that stemmed entirely from the not knowing. Because if you're anything like me (a curious mind), that's the part that kills you. Knowing there is something not quite right but not knowing what it is. Don't get me wrong once I knew I was likely to suffer with swings of depression for the rest of my life, I cried for a while. Its not a war I'm ever going to win, it'll always be there because the capability has always been there. All through school the highest highs and then the unexplainable lows. And never ever truly knowing why somehow made it worse. 

However, I don't intend to let this particular label get the best of me. I am not my depression and you are not yours. 

Please don't EVER feel you're the only one going through this. But please don't ever let anyone tell you that it doesn't matter because it does, a lot.

Please feel free to comment with your own thoughts and experiences with depression, they are always welcome.

Here are some sites that I myself will check out too.

For support in dealing with depression:

www.turn2me.org 

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Causes.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-a-z/D/depression/

Be Kind to people and to yourself,

Love The Girl In Blue

xoxo

No means yes?

I'm just going to jump straight into this one. Consent. Simple enough word to grasp. The concept of it is even easier in my mind. But then again I've been living a rather sheltered life thus far. Well as of last night, my bubble has well and truly been burst.

No. You know what it means don't you?
Of course you do. Its a word everybody's heard at some point in their life.
It means whatever you asked to do, whatever you wanted to do. The somebody you may have wanted to do it to, with or for has declined. End of conversation.
There is no room for negotiation when it comes to sex.

No means no.
No does not mean,
I'll persist until she/he says yes.
Nor does it mean,
If they don't keep saying no that means they're okay with what I'm doing now.

Other words/phrases that probably mean no in these types of situations.
Stop.
Don't.
You're hurting me.
Get off me.

Its pretty disgusting that this happened to me with someone I never would've thought could so easily ignore my protests. I practically had to beg for him to stop. I had to beg someone else to stop touching ME.
I'm not even going to try to insult people who have been through anything like this by belittling what happened.
 It was assault plain and simple.

Could it have gone further?
Yes.

I'm not going to insult myself by saying I feel exactly lucky that it didn't. I don't feel lucky.
 I feel sick.
And hurt.
And guilty?
Maybe it was my fault?
Maybe I lead him on?
No.

If something like this has happened to you.
Just know, its not your fault. Telling people who feel guilty isn't going to make that feeling go away.
But you are not guilty.
I am not guilty.
Not to say that I've learnt nothing from this. I've learnt a lot. I don't ever want it to happen again.

So, to reiterate.
Consent.
Make sure you get it.
And make sure its in a way that both parties understand that that's what it is.
There is just no room for miscommunication when it comes to sex. Or anything that could lead up to it.
 But hopefully you get my point by now.


For goddess sakes be kind to people,
Love The Girl In Blue.
xoxo

Re-investing Your Heart.

Phew, ok this one's going to be difficult. Now lets talk about toxic relationships.
(Girlfriends/boyfriends).

It feels like everyone you know has one of these kinds of stories in their repertoire and very few of them have a particularly happy ending.

As always lets start from the beginning where things are all bright and shiny and new. They're happy, you're happy, the sun shines out of their arse and all that good stuff. Don't think I don't know that there can be good times, trust me I get that. With toxic relationships however, I've found they are even harder to come back from then toxic friendships. And I use the term 'relationship' because I know the feelings are not always reciprocated.


 Sometimes its unrequited and while that sucks the big time, like healthy romantic relationships it doesn't have to be toxic. What I mean by this is that while the other person (hopefully they are a friend) might not share those particular feelings, they will at least care enough about you to respect that these are not the kind of feelings you throw at anyone and that you need time to get over it (this is all assuming they are aware). That's how a healthy unrequited love goes (in a perfect world, I know).There is also the type of unrequited or crush that you keep utterly to yourself and while that is almost as unpleasant as a toxic crush there is at least a quiet dignity about it. Its your secret and yours alone so you can move on and avoid any more hurt or awkward moments.

Moving on to the main topic of this post, toxic relationships. Its hard enough being someone's friend right? There are all of these things that you share with each other, dreams, heartaches and disappointments. Not to mention the older you get, the harder it is to stay in touch. Then there are those times (you know the ones) when they make what you think is a colossal mistake and you call them on their shit. Ugh! Its a hot mess! Tears and feelings everywhere. Friends am I right?

So when it comes to relationships with people you're attracted to, I like to think of it as the most complicated, frustrating and yet rewarding kind of friendship a person can put themselves through (and you should be friends by the way just as a basic rule). And then as if that isn't difficult enough, you throw in all that pressure. The pressure to be the perfect girl/guy, pressure to preform and play your part. Its really bloody hard sometimes. Life gets in the way. Friends (am I right?), family and everything in-between. And its hard to know where they fit in your life and you in theirs. These are things one expects in a healthy relationship.

So when you're not with lets say the best character, it can feel a lot like an uphill struggle. From what I've found it usually is. And its more likely than not that there is only one person on the other side of that hill pushing, fighting, trying. In my experience it felt more like I was the one pushing for while he was busy pushing against, giving me all my reasons to end it on a silver platter. All the reasons he gave me led me (eventually) to the conclusion that I was in a toxic relationship. It lasted a year but it took a lot more from me than any other year I'd ever spent with any other person. With toxic relationships, any amount of time time after you've felt that first tear in your chest from that nasty argument or the third second chance they begged out of you is a moment too long spent wasting away with a person who is too lucky to have you and fails to see it. It's not passion when one of you doesn't care. Time is a precious thing, your time should be precious if not to them then certainly to you.

Cut your losses. Fine a new muse. It doesn't have to be a person, it can be anything you want. My advice is just whatever you do, fine a place to reinvest your love. And make sure its worth it to you.


Once again I find myself giving out advice that is much more difficult to put into action than to share it. However, I promise you that it is all coming from a place of experience. A year ago, I would have had clever justified retorts to the advice I share with you all now.
Cut my losses? What would I gain from that?
Find I new muse? But I don't want to, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Those two little words strung together to form such a massive lie. You're not fine, if you're in a toxic relationship and you think what you're feeling is fine, it's not. Things haven't improved, you've just gotten used to it, built up a tolerance for the bullshit. You're settling and you should definitely stop. Stop lowering your already perfectly attainable standards. Because before you know it, you'll have hit rock bottom and you know what else? While you're busy jumping through hoops trying to please them, they're already thinking about a life after you. You're a knot in their belt. And you can't even visualise a life after them can you? So how come he/she can?

I'll tell you why... say it with me. THEY. ARE. TOXIC.

Toxic boyfriends can't change.
Toxic girlfriends can't change.
Toxic crushes can't change.
Or at least not for you.
But they will change you.

Sure you might see said toxic ex with their latest victim, acting all innocent and non toxic like. Will you be fooled, no way because you've been there, done that and wear the battle scars as amour.

Oh and one last thing, You know that replacement of you? As tempted as you might be (being the kind informative soul that you are), DO NOT under any circumstances contact them and warm them about your toxic ex. Because while you'll believe that you're 'trying to save them' you come off as crazy and obsessive as hell and threatening. Who knows anything you tell them could push them further out to sea with no life jacket. You are allowed however, a quick stalk of their Facebook profile but then feel free to let it go.

Let them find out the truth for themselves. After all you've put in your shift and you don't owe them a thing despite what your conscience says. And be honest... had there been some well meaning ex trying to save you from Mr/Miss Toxic, would you have listened? If you're anything like me the answer is hell no! Chances are whatever you could possibly think to tell them, they already know. Whatever adorable, interesting 'quirk' that drew you in and then turned out to be sociopathic tendencies (speaking from experience here) has caught their attention too. I certainly know this to be true for me at least.

That doesn't mean of course that you deserved to get screwed over by them. It just means that you learned some (many) valuable lessons. You patch up your wounded pride with a good old fashioned rant and allow time to heal the rest.

Because they may be toxic, but you're a survivor! ;)

Be Kind to people,
Love The Girl In Blue

xoxo

A Cautionary Tale.

Hmm. How should I start this? Well okay let me tell you a story. Everybody loves a good story, not that I'm promising that this story will be good or anything so don't get your hopes up (seriously you with the hat, wipe that smile off your face!).

This is a cautionary tale. What is this cautionary tale about I hear you ask? I think perhaps the question should be what is it NOT about? But I don't have the answer for that either so I guess we can't really ask those types of questions.

All I know and all I can really tell you, is what I've learnt from it and how I moved away from a pretty toxic situation. Yes its going to one of THOSE blogs, I did warn you this is a cautionary tale and tell me, how many cautionary tales have a happy theme to them? (*silence) Exactly.

So I've figured out what this tale is going to be about three paragraphs in (so professional). It's about toxic people and toxic relationships with toxic people. I think most of you will know what I mean by that and maybe you have a certain someone in mind? This post I'll be focusing on toxic friendships. But for those of you who have been lucky enough to only have good and healthy relationships in your life, I'd still like for you to read this.

I'd like to mention that I will not be naming and shaming on here, regardless of who will see this. It's just not what I do.

Right then now we've gotten all the boring stuff out the way, are you sitting comfortably? Good then I'll begin.

Let's start with a dear old friend of mine from secondary school (or high school if you like). I'll call her Ethylene. Super sweet with that underlying taste of bitterness I think its the perfect name for her really. Ethylene was my 'friend' from about Year 8/second year of school to Sixth form/I don't know senior year? Looking back on it now I definitely let that friendship go on for too long.

Ethylene was funny and charming at first, always giving advice to her friends and inviting us to places with her. OH! Here's a tip for you, when you're 'friend' starts making snide little comments about a person or persons she has never met nor has she had any particularly harrowing experiences with them, run. I know you don't think much of it at the time but honestly it should be a matter of trust. This goes for any kind of relationship really. Trust is pretty important, being trustworthy is something I pride myself on. However trusting the people around you, friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, well I would say its paramount in making those relationships last.

The questions I should have asked myself and the ones you should always ask yourself are.

1. Was that comment deserved?

The answer is usually no. And in that case don't let it just slide because it wasn't about you. Oh don't you worry they'll spend the last years of your friendship eating their way through your self esteem too and they won't even try to hide their intentions anymore!

2. Think about your other friends, are they decent enough?

 If yes then clearly your standards are higher than what this person is offering you. Move on and away from them. Its much easier typed and read then done I know but believe me once the hard task of shaking off that rock to your balloon has been handled, you'll sail away wondering how you ever let them pull you so low. (Are these clichés doing any good here?)

If the answer was no then WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? Go and sort those toxic friendships out NOW!

There are probably a 1000 more questions you and I should constantly ask yourself when dealing with people you don't 100% trust. But the lesson here is this. Do they make you feel like crap? Run. Are they constantly judging your decisions rather than supporting you? Run.

I know in secondary school everything seems like a big deal but what I've found is that's generally how it feels BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT IS! People (mainly adults) will try and tell you that its not, but when your best friend says nasty things about you behind your back, or writes you a mean letter (I'm looking at you Ethylene), that is a big deal. It's the first (but sadly not the last) time someone burned you, made you feel you couldn't trust them. For me that is a big deal. And it should be for you too.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you should turn up with your 'Mean Girls' revenge plot (although that would be pretty cool). I do not in any way condone or encourage the use of foot cream as face cream, do NOT steal their boyfriend/girlfriend, try to turn other people against them or trick them into putting on excessive weight (god I love Mean Girls!) Don't do those things because as fun as they'll be and as good as they may feel at the time, this isn't about them. Its about you. Simple as that. Why waste anymore time and energy trying to make them feel the way they made you feel? Thinking about it, I can see how toxic friendships can get people stuck in a vicious cycle. You be the one to break that chain.

In the words of the great Taylor Swift  "But the cycle ends right now cause' you can't lead me down that road" Don't go there, go forward. You'll be so happy you did.

Be Kind to people,

Love The Girl In Blue

xoxo

Rambling mess of a blog!

Ok so. Let me start off by introducing myself. Hi, I'm Leah. There. That's all I've got so far. See I've been blogging for about four years now give or take and in that time I haven't had all that much in the way of success. Sucess meaning views of course. That's always been fine by me since I never write (I'm a writer by the way) for anyone else, unless they ask nicely (nudge nudge). Until now. That's right folks, the real world is looming. Oh yeah! It's out there and its waiting for me to join it! Not only am I not ready to join it, I'm not even sure I'm willing! I'm pretty sure everyone has been through this phase at some point in their life. It can only really be described as the 'major freak out' and trust me I have them at least 50 times a day. Oh no, the wifi is temporarily down! Holy shit you actually want me to get a real job when I graduate? Who knew! You know little things like that? My point is this major freak out and I mean the really big one where I'm starting to realise that if I ever hope to be a successful writer (and I do) I have to start talking to people and putting myself out there. Now THAT is a topic for a whole other day, putting yourself out there. Because nobody tells you, you have to do it directly. But trust me when I say, you do and its scary as shit! This is really just a rambling mess of a first post that doesn't even really tell you about my day. Because really who cares!? It was just a day after all. Either more of them will come or they won't (hey maybe I'll get hit by a bus). A bit of a dark way to end this but hey what can I say I'm just a dark kind of kid.

Feel free to find me on any of these sites. I write some stuff you should check it out.

Deviantart: curiositykilledthe.deviantart.com/

WritersCafe: www.writerscafe.org/Thinkingoutloud4