Ever feel like you care too much? Like you're doing all the work? Yeah me too.
Its not fair and you shouldn't have to put up with it should you? But is it ever really a question of what you should or shouldn't do, what you do or don't deserve. Because really, when it comes to friendships I like to think that most people know what they expect, what the deserve and they push for that. Not on purpose, I mean the friends I have I didn't go looking for them, they just collected over the years. Some lived down the road, some sat with me at milk times and just never left. You chose your friends the same way you breathe, automatically without thinking. You already have in your being the people you like to spend time with and the people you don't and for me a friend is a healthy mixture of both of those thoughts. They're not perfect, they can't be because you're not and if they were perfect well that would just be unfair wouldn't it? They're the family you sort of chose or at least the family you chose to stick by.
But what I've found recently, is that friends aren't family. They don't stay in your life duty bound, most don't stay at all. Friends or at least my friends are the people who have a master key to the revolving door of my life. Walk in when it suits them, walk out when it no longer suits them and so one and so forth until one or both of us decides to cut ties. Then what used to be a 'lifelong' friendship turns into awkwardly avoiding each other in the street, that uneasy feeling when you pass their house that tells you you should've tried harder.
I have friends who are natural born drifters, they don't see the people who value them as valuable and so they ignore your messages and phone calls. That is until they need you and in their mind you're the only person who can save them in that moment. But in your mind at your angriest when all the unanswered messages and phone calls pile up in a big ball of hurt inside of you, you scream to no one that they can't be saved. It's not your job to be their salvation. And that's the moment you let them go.
I also have friends who much like the aforementioned friends are inherently selfish. They're not your best friend, they're not even a good friend. They're just friends. And for them you're a person (and usually one of many) who does things for them. It doesn't have to be anything huge oh no just all of time and attention and effort and advice. They often leave you feeling empty but forget how you feel because its all about them. This kind of friend is the hardest to love. And love them you truly do, you see why they have so many admirers and you'd like to count yourself among their many and biggest fans but you can't because you know it doesn't matter to them. You're a number on a list. The go to guy when all the other 'guys' are busy. It can be exhausting and painful, like heartbreak times two. One for the love they're unable to return and two for the love you've given them that a better friend deserves. I suppose the saddest part about this friend is that they'll never care enough to notice that while you're their 'best friend' they're your meh friend. You tell them little about yourself because you don't even expect them to ask.
I for one am sick of these kinds of friends. I am fortunate enough to have good and great friends who can steal the light from the friends that I probably won't know in a few years. The friends that while I can't ever be certain will be there for life, I know that while they are with me, they make me glad as hell that I get to be their friend.
Be kind to people and don't be a selfish friend,
Love The Girl In Blue
xoxo
